Crotches and Socks

Just another wild week in the sewing room and this week featured men.

The leather jacket guy finally came by to get his re-lined jacket and spent the whole time complaining about his wife who complains about him golfing 3 times a week. I told him a woman who has a man who leaves the house to golf that much is “blessed“. That’s when he dropped the misogynistic comment about his wife, “I don’t know what she complains about, SHE goes to yoga class and then to have a massage.” He never commented on all the extra work I had done on the cuffs and then applying conditioner on his jacket except to say “Well are you trying to tell me I need a new jacket?” My response was only to say “I just like to return garments looking their best to my clients”. I wanted to add more to the comment but held my tongue.

Then the phone rings with some guy telling me he is opening a counseling studio and needs some cloths to cover his file cabinet and desktop. OK I say and then he says he has a few pants that need hemming. He comes over later that day (I had an opening) and he walks up my front door path with a armload of pants and shirts with socks piled on top like whipped cream on a sundae.

Once he gets in he spread this entire menagerie across my sofa and chairs like he was displaying fine wares from the Silk Road for my perusal. He tells me he has lost a lot of weight and now all the crotches of his 5 pair of pants hang too low. I explain that to shorten that area normally the waistband is removed and re-attached and unless he absolutely loves these old pants that it is not worth my labor or his money. The pants are all very old, pilling like only Farah polyester pants with cuffs can do. But he insistent that SOMETHING can be done. OK I say, there is another way, the inside leg seams can be made wider to actually pull the rise shorter and thus accomplish the same effect so I start to pin those seams deeper so he can try the pants on to see if it feels better. Then he calls me back into the room (I don’t need to see a middle-aged man in his underpants, I have one of my own) and he starts to raise his legs up higher and higher like he is marching through snow to see if the crotch grabs his family jewels. I say, “Hold on it is only pinned and you will get stuck!” This is repeated for all 5 pair of pants even though I tell him that I would classify these pants as “sad” and should be donated to a worthy cause (like the homeless). With each pair he spends lots of time in the mirror grabbing his crotch, pulling up and down (Lord help me!) and telling me I could take in more or less to get it “just right”. At any moment I expect him to break out into jumping jacks or moon walking.

Every time I step out into the hallway to wait until his majesty is all “arranged” in his sad pants, my husband leans into the hallway and says he is ready to defend me if I need it. Now I surely am wishing I would have recommended another seamstress in the area who does men’s clothes (lesson learned). Then we go unto the shirts, he bought them large and now they don’t fit. OK let’s pin out the side seams all the way to the cuffs and see if that helps….more posing in the mirror and this time he is flexing muscles he wished he had and reaching forward like he is on a horse race track gripping the reins of a runaway stallion. Once again I ask him if he will actually be making these motions while counseling folks and he admits “maybe not.”

While he is removing the shirts my eyes wander over to the huge mound of sweat socks…you know what is coming don’t you???

Yes, dear friends, he wants me to hand darn these beauties…now the fact that the holes are the size of quarters is neither here nor there when I tell him he could never pay me enough to do this.

OK now we move unto the reason he called me…the cloths. He explains that he wants his office to be feng shui perfect so he has to cover all the corners of his furniture with fabric with tassels. I tell him that can be done, measure your furniture, buy enough fabric and I will make these covers.

Since 2011 is supposed to be filled with resolutions and good intentions this is the time to add to the list: I don’t do/sew for men.

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2 Responses to Crotches and Socks

  1. Alethia says:

    OMG! After I get off the floor, rolling in my own tears, I might be able to comment, ROTFL!!!
    I’ve seen that scenario before…
    “like whipped cream on a sundae”~ priceless!!!
    I had a woman to do me like that~ call about a couple of suits, but brings 7-8, plus two pair of jeans, but doesn’t want to pay my prices because “that’s more than the original cost of the suits ( 5-10+ year old suits, humph)!
    Shaking my head~ I’m still really speechless about the socks, WOW!!

  2. cybasurfa says:

    Great read, thanks Mrs Mole. Had me in stitches!!! ;-)

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